Sometimes going away for a while is good but coming back is even better!

A long time has passed since my last post and a lot of stuff has happened.
I got a job as a carer that I loved but unfortunately it wasn't for long.
I got friendlier and more outgoing. I started university. I changed my exercise routine... So many things that I changed in my life!! But the most important?! After trying for so long, I finally got pregnant :)
So it seems you can't win PCOS! It seems like you are never going to be able to claim my body... because all the things you make hard for me, like losing weight, getting pregnant, being healthy... well, I make them 10 times harder for you.
In less than a year I lost over 30 kgs (still have some more to lose but I'm happy with my achievement!), I joined a gym, something I didn't have the confidence to do.. and even though I had to give up 1 month after I started, it was ok... because my baby was the reason ! =) After I have my baby I'll go back and I'll continue to fight and conquer PCOS' ass! :)

xx

 - # Spirit Bear.

A lot of stuff has happened lately and even though both of us have been through worse, we haven't been really feeling ourselves.
That's why I made this video and called it "The Tears that make us Strong", because even the strongest warriors sometimes feel down and on the verge of losing hope but what makes them true warriors is the fact that they always find something to cling on to and believe.

xx

 - # Spirit Bear.

Tender Goodbyes

We finally set you free.
After almost 2 years, we finally set you free.
We still had your ashes with us and we couldn't let go. We were nothing but shadows of sorrow and you were imprisoned by the chains of our suffering.
The place might not be the prettiest but it's a place filled by both mine and your father's memories... and what good and beautiful memories!
I thought I would cry but I didn't. Instead I laughed... happy, light and free, when the wave of water came to our feet and took the ashes that we held on for so long. I laughed and it felt so good because all this time we weren't letting you go and we weren't letting ourselves breathe.
No matter where we go, we will always be close to you, for the sea goes wherever it wishes to go... and as the sea is free to do so, you finally are too.

xx

 - # Spirit Bear.

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, the Thief of Womanhood

Today I read something interesting; something that defines what I feel about my condition, Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome. Someone defined it as "Thief of Womanhood"... and I couldn't have said it any better.
Since this Thief found it's way into invading my body, I have gained weight even though I've been eating a lot less, I have lost what defines me the most as a woman, my periods and my fertility, I have become hairier (uughhhhh) and my skin is chaotic. The thing about PCOS is that it makes you gain weight but you need to lose it, to help your own body control the PCOS... in my case and in a lot of other people's cases, it doesn't matter how much we exercise or diet. Nothing changes.
The body I once loved has completely disappeared and all to this Thief, who came silently one day and stole it all from me.
Honestly, most days... I feel like I'm trapped in an infinite loop.

xx

 - # Spirit Bear.

There is a sinister beauty to it.

xx

 - # Spirit Bear.

We will always love you

Faz em Maio 2 anos. Passou tao rapido... Foi mesmo ha 2 anos? Podia quase jurar que foi ha coisa de apenas uns meses.
A ultima vez que te tive nos meus bracos, tu ja nao respiravas. Tinhas um ar sereno e inocente, de quem partiu demasiado cedo.
Antes de ter engravidado, nao fazia a ideia de que podia ser assim tao feliz, nem de que podia criar amor de forma tao expontanea e sincera.. Quando olho para tras, apesar de vomitar de 15 em 15 minutos e das hormonas que me descontrolavam e faziam chorar, sei que era feliz contigo dentro de mim. Todos os scans, todos os heartbeats, todas as visitas a midwife, todos os desejos e especialmente todos os pontapes.
Nao percebo o que aconteceu ate hoje mas comecei a ter contraccoes e as aguas rebentaram. Tinhas apenas 5 meses e meio e era demasiado cedo para ti. Apesar de ter pedido e implorado por ti, nao havia nada que podessem fazer.
Depois de muitas horas de trabalho de parto, nasceste... mas nao houve choro. Houve apenas silencio e um aperto enorme no meu coracao.
O teu pai esteve sempre ali ao nosso lado, a fazer me festinhas na cabeca e apesar de nao ter dito, sei bem que esperava tambem algum tipo de milagre.
Pouco depois de ter voltado para casa, em vez de sairmos para ir passear contigo, saimos para ir ao teu funeral.
Em casa, tivemos de mudar tudo, pois a casa toda estava preparada para a tua chegada.
Apesar do pouco tempo que passamos contigo e apesar das lagrimas derramadas e das saudades, fizeste nos muito felizes. Encheste nos o coracao de amor, felicidade e luz!

Ha dias assim... as saudades apertam e nem eu, nem ele sabemos o que fazer para as aguentarmos.

xx

 - # Spirit Bear.

Aventureira

Depois de me perder em Londres, achei interessante a possibilidade de me perder nos arredores da minha cidade. Apanhei o autocarro errado e fui parar a Belton, voltei a Bradwell fazer o que tinha a fazer e quando era hora de regressar apercebi me do meu grave erro matematico e das suas consequencias: tinha de voltar a pe. Abracei a minha aventura com todo o gosto e coragem, ate que depois de andar uns quantos minutos apercebi me que nao fazia a minima ideia de onde me encontrava. Com a ajuda telefonica da minha amiga e o google maps, avancei ferozmente nesta minha quest ate ter ido dar a uma rua sem saida. Felizmente, lembrei me que o meu Sir Knight Vitor trabalhava por esta zona e com a sua ajuda e da minha fiel amiga encontrei o seu posto de trabalho. Gracas a eles e ao Google maps, acabei sentada e quentinha na cantina do trabalho do meu senhor, a escrever este post que marca o fim da minha quest.

xx

 - # Spirit Bear.